Tuesday, June 5, 2007--- ♥11:45 AM

Dear Paris,

It saddens me to write this, as you are by far my favorite heiress! Your top-selling album(?) made you the envy of every karaoke wannabee. You were THISCLOSE to being the most life-like thing in the "House of Wax" and your sex tape entitled, "One Night in Paris" depicted the true cinematic promise of night-vision technology.

But despite of my love for you, there's no getting around on the sad, sad news that today, YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!!! (HAHA)

You'll spend 23 days in an 8 by 12 foot cell with no Tinkerbell, no Swarovski-swathed cellphone and no designer threads! Your only fashion will be an orange jumpsuit! You'll shower in dripping cold water, and you might even find yourself a cellmate!

To put this your way, PRISON IS SOOO "NOT HOT!" :D

To help you through this, here are some things you might want to consider:

  1. Be open to new friends, my dear bitchy-blonde bimbo! While your cell will be less than half the size of your tiniest walk-in closet, your cellmate could be a notorious drug pusher (which might come in handy for when you leave prison, gets?), or a dirty-old child molester. So be kind to those you meet "inside." Don't treat them like helpers or worse, the paparazzi! This ones' should be easy for you since you've perfected the art of carrying yourself with an aura that demands respect, right?!?!

  2. Hold off the fancy manicures and pedicures, dear! Nobody inside is gonna appreciate them anyways! Dont worry too much though if you think that it's gonna be a bore for you to be locked up! For all you know, you're gonna spend all your time there washing, scrubbing, sweeping, vaccuming, raking leaves or even wiping pukes/shits! Trust me, everydays gonna be far, far different from the other. :D

  3. Unfortunately, the pay inside is a LITTLE different than the nightly $25-$50K you used to make just for showing up at some of the hottest club openings! Prison job pays only 12-40CENTS an hour!!! That's right, CENTS!! As in COINS- those little round metal thingies that people make change with? Oh nevermind, you wouldn't understand anyways! :D

  4. Get ready to talk about Nicole. I'm sure your fellow inmates will ask you about the people in your life, and who will arouse more curiousity than your "brittle-boned BFF?" Next to that, get ready to talk about that sex tape you've been perfecting! :D

  5. Lastly, and most importantly, when the awful prison food and slimy air makes you feel like pouring your cold, dark heart out, be careful who you choose to do it with. You may never know it but there could be AIDS, HERPES or CRABS-infested people inside there. But, I'm sure you've had you're fair share of those already! No pun intended though. :D

So there you go my shallow seductress. I hope these lessons serve you well during your time in jail. Who knows, "Simple Life 6: Life inside Prison" cpuld finally be the highest rater yet!

♥Your hottest twin,

ME! :D

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